BB Anonymous
by Krin
Summary: Every Tuesday night Ashelin and Tess go... somewhere. Torn sends Daxter out to investigate! Humor one shot. Rated for... you'll see.


**Unrelated To The Story Announcement: Astro fickle dot com is your friend.  
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**This disturbingly silly fic takes place between Jak2 and Jak3, right around when all the MHs started destroying Haven again. All characters herein that don't belong to me belong to ND. No Jak3 spoilers. Enjoy!**

"There's been an increase in Metal Head attacks on the lower East side," said Torn, pointing to the map. "Egg clusters are highlighted in red. You can see that the farming community is suffering…"

Ashelin glanced at her watch, one leg pumping up and down.

"We've got serious problems down at the Port, too," added Sig. "Cherries been reporting strange KG-like robots shootin' up the area."

Jak leaned forward, one hand under his chin. "Has anyone checked on Vin's old eco cylinders? How's the system holding?"

"That's what I was going to say next," Torn picked up another stack of papers, "we've got-"

"Excuse me," Tess poked her head into the room, knocking on the door. "I'm sorry to interrupt. Can I borrow Ashelin?"

"Gorgeous," said Daxter, "we're doing manly stuff in here. Leave it to the big boys. And Ashelin. She's an honorary boy. She can come out and play later."

"I'll be right there," said Ashelin. She stood, pushing her papers across the table. "You guys can handle this. I have other business to attend to tonight."

"But," Torn pointed to the map, "we've got serious-"

"You can handle it for one night." Ashelin pulled her coat off the back of the chair.

"Are you kidding me?" Torn motioned for the next slide. "The scouts say that the entire northern part of the city is in danger of-"

"I have to go!" Ashelin paused at the door and put the long coat on. She pulled the hood over her face.

"You can't put personal matters before the safety of the city!" Torn pounded his fists on the table.

"You wouldn't understand!" Ashelin slammed the door behind her.

"Geez, what's eating Feisty Red tonight?" Daxter walked across the table and picked up Ashelin's papers. "She doodled all over these."

Torn shook his head in irritation. "She's been like this for weeks. Every Tuesday night Tess comes and they both head off somewhere. I tried tailin' her once, but she caught me, and didn't let me hear the end of it."

"Oooo!" Daxter wiggled his eyebrows. "The ladies are going off for a night of fun, huh?"

Torn rolled his eyes. "Ashelin's been putting herself ahead of the city for a while. That's my main complaint. She needs to be here, with us."

"You're just scared she found a new man," said Daxter.

"Don't start," said Jak. "We can handle this fine without her."

Torn fumed. The damn ottsel had said exactly what he really thought. "Does anyone have anything to add before we discuss the breach in Sector 11?"

Daxter held up a graph. "This is the last five weeks' worth of business. As you can see, my fine establishment is suffering, _because there are freaking Metal Heads in the plumbing!_" He jumped up and down on the table. "No one wants to venture out through a blockade of blood thirsty Metal Heads to get smashed, and I wanna know what you're gonna to do about it!"

Torn pressed his hands over his ears. "Argh!" He glared at the ottsel. "Your voice makes me sick, rodent. Get out of here." He turned his back to the table. "On second thought, go out there and see where Ashelin's going. I expect a full report in the morning, and, of course, for her to not know who sent you."

"My pleasure! I've got plenty of experience stalking hot babes. Have fun, suckers! I'm going out for a night of _exciting_ entertainment." Daxter bowed and exited.

He ran through the halls of the palace, straining for the sound Ashelin's footsteps. He spun around a corner, saw her, and crouched down. Tess was putting on a similar long coat, pulling the hood over her face.

"Were they mad?"

"I don't care," said Ashelin. "Mar, my back hurts."

"There's exercises we can show you to help. A lot of us have that problem."

_They look like such hot little cult members_, thought Daxter. _Do you ladies need a sacrificial animal for some late night love-worship?_

"Today we're meeting at Cacique's house," said Tess. Ashelin nodded.

The two set off into the city. Daxter followed close behind, ducking behind abandoned fruit baskets and hiding in the gullies. Occasionally Tess turned around, frowning and searching the darkness. Daxter squished himself against the walls, scarcely breathing.

At last they came to a slummer house, curtains drawn. Tess and Ashelin whispered a password and entered. Daxter groaned, pushed some nearby garbage cans to the window, and climbed up. He found a rip in the curtain and peeked in.

"Sweet double D!"

A semi-circle of seats curved around the room, filled with the most luscious of Haven's female citizens. Daxter pressed his eyeball to the windowpane.

"Welcome, Tess," said a woman graced with particular bounty. Daxter rated her a 9 out of 10. She took Tess's coat. "Have a seat, hun!"

"Thanks!" Tess scampered over and chatted with a girl, another 9.

Ashelin stood at the door, still cloaked. She spoke in hushed tones with the woman. The woman nodded and indicated a free seat next to Tess.

"Okay, ladies! I apologize for not coming to the past few meetings. My husband has been… rather difficult to extract from the house. And we all know Rule One," she raised her hands.

"Absolutely no men!" they all shouted.

"That's right. I see we have a new friend with us today," she said. "Actually, she said she'd been to the secret meeting at Victoria's, but I haven't met her yet. We'll get to that in a minute. As almost all of you know, I am Cacique." She bowed slightly. Daxter's eyes popped. She passed around a bowl of paper necklaces. Every woman took one and put it on. "I officially begin the 27th meeting of BB Anonymous!"

The ladies clapped. Daxter ogled the semi circle, something tugging at the back of his brain. _Why are all _these_ women gettin' together? And why wasn't I invited? Ooh! Lookit that one!_

"This is _our_ Haven!" Cacique continued. "The men built this city for themselves. They force us to wear these clothes and watch their children and cook their meals! We are _not_ second class citizens!"

Several _woo!_s sounded from around the room.

"And that is why we have joined together," Cacique said, smiling. "We support one another. Now," she turned toward Ashelin, "I am pleased to introduce our newest member!"

Tess smiled and patted Ashelin's arm. She stood.

"My name is Ashelin," she swept her hood back, "and I have Big Boobs."

"Welcome, Ashelin," intoned the others.

Daxter's tongue hung out. "So THAT'S it!"

All the women looked over at the window. He ducked. "Damnit," he whispered to himself. "Don't get caught!" He clamped a paw over his mouth to keep from exploding with glee. _A Big Boobs Anonymous support group! I didn't know those existed! I think I've died and gone to heaven, where every woman is a 9 or better!_

After a few tense minutes, Daxter ventured another glance. All the women were standing, waiting for their turn to shake Ashelin's hand. _I'll have to tell Jak Keira's not in this club. Hee hee. But my baby is!_

"It's really great to see you here," said one woman, who, by all reason, should've been catapulted to the floor by the top-oriented distribution of her weight. A perfect 10.

"Thanks," said Ashelin. "I feel really good here."

"We're like one big happy family!" said another woman. Daxter recognized her from ads for the local double-sticky tape factory. _Oh my Precursor. Another 10. _"Here, no one judges you by your looks. We can all talk intelligently without the fear of thousands of eyes missing our face by a few inches!"

"I know!" said Ashelin. She tugged at her KG uniform. "This is so demeaning."

Once all the women had introduced themselves, they sat down. Cacique stood in the middle of the room. "Does anyone have a Personal Incident to share? Remember, this is where the healing truly begins."

"Um, yeah." Tess stood and waved. "Hi! I'm Tess. You all know me by now. Last Thursday I went running near the Stadium, and," she wiped a tear from her eyes, "when I went down the stairs a nasty man said that they hit my chin!"

_That's my girl! Let 'em fly loose, baby!_

"Aww," said the women. Several of them patted her arm or hugged her.

"Anyone else?" asked Cacique.

"Hi. Victoria." _Hmm… I'd say… nine and a half. That apron really should be pulled down and tied tighter for maximum effect._ "I work at the ice cream store down by the Port. Whenever I make shakes, guess where all the milk splatters? And when I try to load the machines with cream, _they_ get in the way."

"Now, Victoria, don't be bitter. Anyone else?"

Ashelin stood and hung her head. "I can't see my feet." Daxter teared up, trying not to laugh. "KG regulation says we need to have our holsters on the right side, and grab the weapon with our left hand. I… can't reach." She demonstrated, her hand falling just short of the gun handle. "My chest gets in the way."

"There, there," soothed Cacique. "Anyone else?" No one stood. "I have a quick story of my own. This morning, when I was pulling up my bra strap, I accidentally smacked myself in the face."

All the women nodded gravely. Daxter's nose wrinkled. He twisted his mouth and clamped both paws over his mouth.

"Now, we will heal ourselves. This is everyone's favorite part! Think of the most debasing thing that has ever happened to you. To free ourselves from ignorance and stares, we must free ourselves of that which holds us back! Together, we will cast off these cloth chains, with which our womanhood has been bound!" She reached for her left shirtsleeve.

"SWEET MERCIFUL MAR!" Daxter fell off the garbage cans in exaltation, sending them flying. They clattered down the street.

"What the _hell_!" Ashelin was the first one out the door. "_DAXTER!_"

"Woogums?" Tess said uncertainly.

"What the- ahh! Please don't kill me!" Ashelin grabbed the ottsel by the back of the neck. "Wouldn't you rather cuddle me to your bosom than blow my brains out?" he pleaded, "brains are messy, you know. They'd stain your lovely blouse."

"Shut up!" Ashelin shook the little animal. He gasped. Ashelin turned. "Oh no…"

Cacique and the other women were glaring at her. Tess looked scared.

"What is _that_?" demanded Cacique.

"A greasy little hairball!" Ashelin squeezed Daxter's neck. "I'll take care of him."

"Did he see what happened?"

"Uhh… no?" squeaked Daxter. He made choking noises. "Please… let… go…"

"This is unacceptable!" cried one of the women. "All of our work… gone!"

"If men were to find out about this, we'd never be able to meet together again!" sobbed another.

_If men were to find out, you could charge them_. Daxter scratched desperately at Ashelin's hands.

"Who sent you?" screamed Ashelin. "Who sent you? You're too stupid and scared to go wandering around the city at night by yourself!"

"Kkcchhh kcchhh kcchh!" Daxter pointed to his throat. Ashelin loosened her grip marginally. "T-torn! Torn sent me! Tear _him_ to shreds with your steamy woman-anger, not me!"

"Torn…" Ashelin's eyes darkened.

"Destroy him," said Cacique. "He can't let this get out to other men."

"No!" said Tess. She ran over to Ashelin. "I know he's been a bad boy, but Daxter's very sweet! I love him to death!" She took the ottsel and cradled him.

Cacique scowled. "Banishment! For both of you!"

"No!" Ashelin's jaw dropped.

"Please, Cacique!" Tess begged, "Daxter won't tell a soul! Please let us stay in BB Anonymous! It's the only place where we're free to be ourselves!"

"Absolutely not! Ladies, back in the house," Cacique waved the others away. "Listen, rat," she said, putting her hands on her hips. "Tess is a great girl. If she loves you, then I'm not gonna kill you. But if you ever, _ever_ follow or talk to one of us, or tell anyone about this, _I will scrape the life from you_." She straightened and addressed Ashelin. "I'm very sorry you won't be joining us in the future. We were so looking forward to your contributions on our discussion of economic policy." She stepped forward and ripped the paper necklaces from their necks. "Be gone!" She turned and slammed the door.

The rage in the air was tangible. "Daxxxxxxxter…" Ashelin slowly turned towards him. "I am going to _kill you!_"

"No!" said Tess, hugging him protectively.

"Catfight! Woo!"

Ashelin took a step, rubbed her forehead, and sighed. "You will go back to the palace, Daxter, and you will tell Torn that Tess and I have been going to one of the Naughty Ottsel's competitors to spite you."

"But… Torn knows Tess wouldn't do that."

"She's going to now!" Ashelin pulled her coat on. "Get out of my sight!"

"Bye sweetie," whispered Tess. She put him on the ground.

He stood for a second, nervously looking from one woman to the other. "You were, uh, gonna take off your shirts, right?"

"GET OUT OF HERE!" Ashelin kicked him. He ran off as fast as he could.

Tess turned to her. "Take our shirts off? Where would he get that idea?"

"I have no clue. Freakin' moron." Ashelin sat, feeling utterly dejected. "We didn't even get to participate in the symbolic freeing of our eternally suppressed individuality."

From within the house came the sound of a dozen paper necklaces being ripped.

**Bwaha! I am not telling you the primary source of those Personal Incidents. XD  
**"**Cacique" is the name of a company that makes bras. I'm sure you noticed the other little things I stuck in there. Hope you liked it! This is an extremely OOC story for me to write, what with being so repressed and all XD Please review, and don't forget about that astrofickle thing.**


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